I have had my fair share of toxic relationships.
Being a Walk In Soul, I agreed to clean up the previous soul's karma for a chance to be on Earth. And boy was there some toxicity to deal with!!!
This post isn't about my story. It's the story for us all. Or at least I would like to see if it does relate to you...
What are toxic relationships?
Simple. A relationship that isn't healthy for us in any way shape, form or manner. If it's causing us unnecessary pain, unfounded guilt, abuse...yes, that's toxic.
And it comes in varying degrees. I believe we get to decide how much we want to tolerate the toxicity. Because I don't know about you...but I have been in a position where I wanted to help the person or help save the relationship.
Which brings me to the next question, why do we stay in toxic relationships?
Gosh...so many reasons...and I would never judge because we really don't know what the other is going through. So, let's keep the judging to a zero.
We stay for many reasons as I have mentioned. Some reasons as why I stayed are below:
1) Because I thought I could 'save the person'
I wanted to be the saviour to save the person. I believed in my heart and soul that the person was good deep inside and just needed help to see it like I did. But when a person is a narcissistic sociopath, all one can do is run the other direction!
2) Because I was stuck in my comfort zone
If I opted out of this relationship now, I would have to start all over again looking for friends or looking for a partner (depending what relationship it was). And better the known devil than the not so known one. I felt comfortable being in this space because I could 'handle the pain'. But, the more I stayed, my self esteem crumbled and I became a shell of a person till I called for help.
3) Because I was getting a 'pay off'
I remember my mentor Crystal Andrus Morrisette asking me what was my pay off in staying in this toxic relationship. Yes, the comfort zone indeed. But, there were other things like my life was taken care of, I didn't need to lift a finger and so much more. If I stopped this all, I would have to get independent. Did I want that independence? Would I be able to support myself? With a lot of coaching, good friends and great advice, I am sitting here writing this telling you that I did it all by myself with a lot of support. I did it. It wasn't easy but I did it. Tears, heartache and all.
Letting go of a toxic relationship is never easy. We will have to assess what parts of us have been attacked and torn to shreds. Is it physical? Is it emotional? Is it psychological? Is it mental? Is it spiritual? Is it all of the above?
But letting go can only happen when WE HAVE HAD ENOUGH!
Did you notice above when I wrote 'I could handle the pain'? Does that sound familiar to you? You see, we can tolerate pain to a certain extent. The flip side to that is that we tend to allow pain to be part of our normal. We start tolerating pain as part of the relationship...
Does this relationship bring you happiness?
Does this bring you joy and excitement?
Is it nourishing you?
Is it helping you grow as a person?
Have you grown positively from when you started to now?
How has it added and enriched your life?
Can you be 100% yourself in this relationship?
These are very real questions I work with, with my clients whom I help coach when they are letting go of a toxic relationship.
Can you truly be 100% yourself in this relationship? Most often than not it is a NO.
But true recovery can only happen when WE HAVE HAD ENOUGH.
This is the second time I have repeated this.
Having has enough means we have surpassed our tolerance level. It is eating into our soul and we want out!
When we have had enough, when we truly that voice within ourselves that has been calling out to us all this while to get out, when we know body mind and soul that this isn't right for us, when we know that acknowledging this means it is the end of this relationship and god knows what's out there for us...That's when we know...we can let go of this relationship.
We have had enough. If we stay, it's the same shit. If we leave, we don't know what's out there but it has to be better than this. And this time, we can change the rules to suit us better.
We have had enough.
This is when recovery can begin. This is when we know we have grieve it out from within ourselves. We have to let ourselves cry. We have to give ourselves time to heal. We have to own those parts of ourselves that agreed to this relationship. We have to forgive ourselves and allow this process to take place as long as it needs to.
And we don't need to go through this alone. We have amazing mentors, coaches, therapists...all here to help us through this.
We are here on Earth School to learn. Relationships are the best way to learn our lessons and understand human experiences on a soul level.
However, on a human level, let's do this together. Let's make a pact with ourselves that before we enter into any relationship, let's get our standards and healthy boundaries in order so we won't be bullied or taken advantage of. Let's begin a relationship only when we are 100% confident about it. Let's call in our Divine Guides to help us connect with high vibrational, positive, like minded, joyous folk who are heart centered and helpful. Let's fill our cup to the brim and any overflow is what we need to give to others.
Something that always stays with me from Iyanla Vanzant, my special therapist heroine, I loved how she said that what's in our cup is for us and what is overflowing is for others. We can't be giving from our own cup or we be getting empty fast!
Think about that...
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